If I had a dollar for every time a prophet told me I had an Apostle’s anointing… well, I’d have $4.00.  But still, that’s pretty big, considering it means that one very specific, prophetic word was confirmed by three other people.

I’m assertive, yes. I’m a visionary. I care about the people of God and their growth, salvation, and deliverance. I’m a pretty good administrator. With all that in mind, I can accept being thought of as an executive pastor – that’s pretty much what I’ve done anyway. But trust me, you wouldn’t want me to be the senior pastor of your church. Senior pastors have to endure too much, and having witnessed much of it first hand, I’m already fed up just from watching. Here’s why it couldn’t be me:

5. Because my church would give a placement exam and weekly quizzes. The placement exam will be to ensure we identify the busybodies, gossips, whoremongers, liars, robbers (a.k.a. non-tithers), stuff-starters, and those who need Similac, not steak! It will also include a hearing exam so I don’t have to worry about the “I didn’t hear you” excuse; a math test so I know you know what 10% is, and a reading comprehension test, so I know you know what “thou shalt not” means. The weekly quizzes will show whether you actually RETAINED and APPLIED whatever I preached the week before. We can’t have all this shoutin and fallin out and cryin and spittin and stuff, and you’re still going home the same way. Not in THIS church!

4. Because I would do a background investigation. I’m checking Facebook, Twitter, and yes, even MySpace to see how you conduct yourself online. I’m going to Google you and check references at your previous church(es). Plus, I’ll require 3 other references from clergy not related to you. Also, I’m checking credentials. You tell me you’re a master prophet, you won’t step foot in THIS pulpit until you show me a license and a certificate. And yes, I’m calling the person who signed it.

3. Because I will give you a pink slip. I never really thought it was okay to remove a person from the fellowship. Then, I became a church administrator, encountered a few rebels, and changed my mind. Today, I have no problem sitting people down, silencing them, or disfellowshipping them. I consider it spiritual chemotherapy. Sometimes you have to get rid of those cancerous cells in order to protect the healthy ones. It is uncomfortable, tiresome, scary, and even dangerous. But, if you don’t stop cancer, it will spread throughout the body on a mission to destroy. So, I don’t care if you’re the minister of music, the Sunday School Superintendent, the chief intercessor, #1 tither, or president of the Deacons Board. You come up in THIS church being unruly, ungodly, unteachable and unrepentant, and you will get kicked out.

2. I will “pull a Pastor Blake” and stop you in the middle of your “shout” if I know you’re in the flesh, just trying to get attention. I will also pull a Bishop Boyd and say, “I don’t know what y’all doin all this walkin for, but I want everybody in a seat NOW!! Saddown! You ain’t important!” And if you catch me on a bad day, I might pull a LaRue and scream from my seat “will somebody please put a pacifier in that baby’s mouth? Geez!” Yeah, I don’t think I have enough patience for all that. Not in THIS church.

1. Because I have no problem leaving people who are “on the way.” When I say “please arrive at the church no later than 5:45p because the bus is leaving at 6:00 p.m.,” that’s exactly what I mean.  You get there at 6:01 and you will find locked doors and gravel-dust that’s been circulating for about a minute.  I really don’t care that you signed up and paid your $10. We’ll catch you on the next trip (and I bet you’ll be on time for that one). And yes, you can have your $10 back.

And no, I’m not pulling over so you can catch up. If you happen to catch us at a red light, you might have a chance… either way, I bet you won’t be late next time.

Yeah, so at the end of the day, I’d probably have like 12 members. Umm, just point me to the Administration Office please. I’m a much better fit there.